...the beach gives a feeling...
road tripped to the beach today. its been so long since i had seen the water, and i need it to stay centered, and grounded. i feel like i'm breathing again, in sync with the ocean as it calmly ebbed and flowed along the shore. it may be too cold to swim, but it's never too cold to stand on the sand.
after the beach we found a park with a swing set, not too far away. as I leaned back and closed my eyes, feeling the sun on my face, i thought about balance. that little word that's been haunting me since the fall. it's what i'm striving for, what i need, what we ALL need. yet, it's what I never can seem to find.
however, for the first time, i'm not focused on it. in fact, i'm more focused on staying afloat than anything, and for some reason, this is the most balanced i think i've ever been. i'm working, but not too often, i'm working out, but not obsessively. i'm actually sleeping, and getting my homework done, but not weeks in advance. my social life seems to be blossoming, and i'm road tripping home but not too much.
maybe there's something to be said for not being in treatment and focusing on all the shit you need to do but can't seem to fix? not that getting kicked out was the way to go, either, but somehow, it's kinda all falling into place on it's own these days. and i kinda like it ;)
I understand what you say about the treatment thing. A friend of mine (who was also kicked out) described it beautifully, saying that the 'inside' hindered her more than helped her but it also made her realise that SHE was the one in control, ultimately and that that somehow gave her the strength to move forwards and leave others to support but not to push. Keep on going x
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