now baby, you know you gotta if it makes you feel good....
some girls look forwards to friday because it means heels and clubs, and boys, and sleazy bars, short dresses, and slutty skirts and way too much make up.
i tried for a million years to fit that mold. i got dressed up, paraded in clothing that felt unnatural, and walked around in the cold, waiting in some ungodly long line to pay too much money to be crammed like a sardine in some bar that stank like a gym locker.
through this whole thing, identity has been the thing i struggled with the most. who the fuck am i, where do i fit in, and where do i belong under this vast sky. i felt engulfed by the stars at night, lost in the big bad world, all by my lonesome, confused and drowning.
but when i finally allowed myself to surrender my friday and saturday nights, stop trying to fit ANY mold, and just.... go...it changed. sometimes, my yoga practice fit into my friday, sometimes, art making, sometimes partying... i still feel vastly unnatural around the majority of people in my world, but if i let go, and look around, i realize there's nowhere i'd rather be tonight, than here.
it's not a 'normal' saturday scene for most people my age in new york.... with a few friends, several illicit substances floating around the room, beers, a few girls, a guitar. i'm writing, we're singing. the boys are watching tv. there's no expectation for me to be any single person other than me. it's fantastic.
No comments:
Post a Comment