i believe in the sand beneath my toes

...the beach gives a feeling...


road tripped to the beach today. its been so long since i had seen the water, and i need it to stay centered, and grounded. i feel like i'm breathing again, in sync with the ocean as it calmly ebbed and flowed along the shore. it may be too cold to swim, but it's never too cold to stand on the sand.

after the beach we found a park with a swing set, not too far away. as I leaned back and closed my eyes, feeling the sun on my face, i thought about balance. that little word that's been haunting me since the fall. it's what i'm striving for, what i need, what we ALL need. yet, it's what I never can seem to find.


however, for the first time, i'm not focused on it. in fact, i'm more focused on staying afloat than anything, and for some reason, this is the most balanced i think i've ever been. i'm working, but not too often, i'm working out, but not obsessively. i'm actually sleeping, and getting my homework done, but not weeks in advance. my social life seems to be blossoming, and i'm road tripping home but not too much.


maybe there's something to be said for not being in treatment and focusing on all the shit you need to do but can't seem to fix? not that getting kicked out was the way to go, either, but somehow, it's kinda all falling into place on it's own these days. and i kinda like it ;)

"It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine"

 i know we're all sorts of backasswards and wrong for each other in the long run. yet, i still find my thoughts going back to him when the silence becomes overwhelming.


it's slowly infiltrating everything else, and today was a big wake up call as to just how disconnected my head and my heart have become over the past few months. i *know* x, y, and z, but i don't *feel* them. it's strange, awkward, not me.  i keep trying to fuse the two, but it's not working, in fact, i seem to just get farther from myself as a result.


i keep waiting to wake up, get with it, for something to click. i know i don't want this life. so why, over a boy of all things, am i letting it get this ridiculously out of hand?

.....heaven...now take another lil piece of my heart....

now baby, you know you gotta if it makes you feel good....

some girls look forwards to friday because it means heels and clubs, and boys, and sleazy bars, short dresses, and slutty skirts and way too much make up.

i tried for a million years to fit that mold. i got dressed up, paraded in clothing that felt unnatural, and walked around in the cold, waiting in some ungodly long line to pay too much money to be crammed like a sardine in some bar that stank like a gym locker.

through this whole thing, identity has been the thing i struggled with the most. who the fuck am i, where do i fit in, and where do i belong under this vast sky. i felt engulfed by the stars at night, lost in the big bad world, all by my lonesome, confused and drowning.

but when i finally allowed myself to surrender my friday and saturday nights, stop trying to fit ANY mold, and just.... go...it changed. sometimes, my yoga practice fit into my friday, sometimes, art making, sometimes partying... i still feel vastly unnatural around the majority of people in my world, but if i let go, and look around, i realize there's nowhere i'd rather be tonight, than here.

it's not a 'normal' saturday scene for most people my age in new york.... with a few friends, several illicit substances floating around the room, beers, a few girls, a guitar. i'm writing, we're singing. the boys are watching tv. there's no expectation for me to be any single person other than me. it's fantastic.